Published on: Mon Apr 20
Been doing super great recently! It turns out that sadness begets sadness, and to dwell in it is an easy way to avoid other emotions as they rise. I am blessed to have such a great support system, and am thankful for everyone I’ve reached out to :).
Got an arcade stick finally!!!! My pads haven’t been working great for a while now, and recently have been getting stuck on the right input more often than not. It’s coming in from ISTMall, a Korean brand that builds custom sticks. My stick is a bit on the pricier side, but it does have compatibility with all modern consoles for fighting games! I’ve been enjoying the wine grip while testing out stick and am super excited to build my new habits up with my new stick!
Soooooo much reflection this week. Toll the Hounds has really brought out thoughts I never knew I had within me and led me to explore what those mentalities I have mean about myself. There is a lot to unpack there, and books like this and therapy have been bringing out a lot.
FINISHED TOLL THE HOUNDS!!!!! I know I say this after every Malazan book, but this might take the top spot. I cried at Harllo’s story. I laughed at Scorch and Leff. Also laughed at Torvald Nom. I had my heart torn out with the Black Coral story. I had my goddamn brain chemistry changed with chapter 19. Seeing the grief and love filled within Darujhistan made me introspective about my own life.
Iki Island done! Jin coming to terms with his father’s death, and the seeds planted within him as a child. Felt thematically resonant with what I read in Toll the Hounds. Jin’s childhood and Harllo’s had parallels with the death of their childhoods. Jin’s father forcing his samurai ways on his child to cope with the death of his wife, Harllo’s mother neglecting her child to cope with her sufferring. Both parents still wanting the best for their kids, but their own sufferring getting in the way. The childrens inner artist continuing to live within them despite the hardships, and that desire for parental love.
“The soul knows no greater anguish than to take a breath that begins with love and ends with grief. But there are other anguishes, many others. They unfold as they will, and to dwell within them is to understand nothing. Except, perhaps, this. In love, grief is a promise. As sure as Hood’s nod. There will be many gardens, but this last one to visit is so very still. Not meant for lovers. Not meant for dreamers. Meant only for a single figure, there in the dark, standing alone. Taking a single breath.”
- Steven Erikson, Toll the Hounds
To equate love to gardens, and understanding that those gardens are gone with grief, with the death of love. Erikson has a way with words that resonates with me a lot. There is an understanding that love ends with grief, but to understand that that grief can only be faced alone, no matter how many gardens in your life, is beautiful.
🏶